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Entries in Ask a Hater (3)

Tuesday
Apr062010

(Least) Favorite Musician

Dear Hater,

Who is your most hated musician out today?

- Coolio

 

 

Coolio,

Holy Shit! Let me first just say on behalf of everyone here at Rated Wrong how exciting it is to have a former celebrity writing us.  I never cared too much for any of your work but I loved "Amish Paradise" and have been known to rock out to Bad Hair Day to this very day.

Now to answer your question.  I know you might be inclined to think I'd hate on something obvious, like the Jonas Brothers or Katy Perry (who I would never hate!).

FACT: Katy Perry is very hot, making her very difficult to hate.

No, my most hated musician is none other than Delicious D.

Who is Delicious D you ask?  Well, I don't really know.  I've never listened to his music.  I've never read anything about him.  I don't even know if he's alive  I clicked on his Myspace page once but exited out before it loaded.

All I know is that, for some ungodly reason, my Itunes decided that everything by the band Tenacious D is actually by this guy and so anytime I play a Tenacious D song this comes up on the album artwork...

What is more awesome than a white dude in a blue fluffy hat standing in front of a giant mound of cash in front of a massive explosion?

What the hell is that?  Certainly not Jack Black.  The image is so chock full of cliches (my favorite is the presence of the booty dancers with a little too much booty in the corner) that I question whether or not Delicious is meant to be taken seriously.

Either way, I flippin' hate this guy and am insulted that Apple products seem to think I'd ever listen to his music.

-The Hater

 

P.S. Just kidding Coolio, love "Gangsta's Paradise".

Monday
Mar222010

Ask a Hater: Slow Walkers

Question: Mr. Hater, why is it that when I've got to be somewhere I always find myself completely surrounded by slow walkers?

- Kevin J.

 

Dear Kage,

People are fat and lazy.  That's the answer to your question.  Am I saying anything knew?  Is this surprising?  Slow walkers have long been the bane of society, costing us our time, money, punctuality, and physical exercise.  

I personally only extend an exception to women under the age of 33 in high heels.  Because, I know she's wearing them for me and we've all got to make sacrifices.  I've gotta walk slower and she's gotta wear 'em.  But if you're 33 or older, what the hell are you doing in high heels anyway?  Get a husband already you old maid.

WAAAAAAAALK!

The worst is when I see people standing on escalators, motionless.  WALK!  You don't even have to walk fast, the thing is already moving.  Just move!  Especially if you're somewhere where time is significant, such as an airport or subway.  You think no one in that huge line you're creating behind you has anywhere to go?  Of course not.  I mean they wouldn't be at a subway station if they had anywhere to be.  How silly!  Just stand on that downward escalator as your fat ass blocks anyone pushing 15 minutes late for work trying desperately to make the D train that is about to pull out of the station.  Don't worry about it, I'm sure you had a difficult day, being fat and lazy and all.  Thank you sooooooo much!

In case you couldn't tell, I was being sarcastic.  Why is it that these people get to make me late for work, but then I have to pay a "soda tax" so they'll lose weight?  Where is the justice!

Monday
Mar152010

Ask a Hater: Blasting the Radio

Question: Why does every other person that drives by my street facing bedroom seem to think I want to know what song is playing on their stereo?

-Ricky

 

Dear Ricky,

What, you didn't know?  All of those people have the baddest stereos and are playing the dopest songs to ever be heard by human ears.  You'd be crazy to not want to hear it!

I had a crazy teacher in college that used to say about people who did this, "You know how big an asshole you have to be to blare your music like that?  Look at me!  'My music is the best music ever, listen to it!'"  The most valuable thing I ever learned in my four years there.

If the back of your car looks like this, everyone in your neighborhood hates you.

This may be one of the most obnoxious, a-hole things total strangers can do to one another without ever realizing they're even being douche rockets.

The guy who lives across the street from me is a great example.

This individual (who has two cars which he parks in front of my apartment) loves blasting his tunes.  Not only that, but he loves blasting them at 2:30 in the morning while he aligns his two cars for five minutes.  Also, he has this super annoying ringtone that goes off about once every 30 seconds, ANSWER YOUR DAMN PHONE!  I actually am starting to suspect that it isn't a ringtone at all, but rather some noise his truck makes when he puts it in reverse (which is about a million times more obnoxious).

The thing that really gets me about this guy though, is that I can't pinpoint his ethnicity.  I would really like to curse him out under my breath at 3AM in as a specific way as possible but the music he listens to completely throws me.  He looks latino but the music is very white.  Tom Petty, one time I saw him playing air guitar outside his truck to Collective Soul, another time he was just blasting radio commercials.  COMMERCIALS he was making me listen to, this guy.

I'm not surprised by humanity's stupidity, but I am disappointed.

 

-The Hater